


i think i love you, oh i love you

by peachesnclem



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, half life but the ai is self aware
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Fluff, He/Him and They/Them Pronouns for Benrey (Half-Life), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Tommy & Benrey are QPPS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28821477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachesnclem/pseuds/peachesnclem
Summary: Five times Benrey showed affection first, and the time Gordon did it first.
Relationships: Benrey & Tommy Coolatta, Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 12
Kudos: 88





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> Album title from JAZZ BAR by DREAMCATCHER. Prompt originally given by friend.

_ “As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.” _

_ ― John Green _

  
  


_ one _

Dying was awful. It felt like being ejected from his body and sent into a dark abyss, but it was also some odd relief in it. Now Benrey didn’t have to be the big bad, didn’t have to follow no script, he could just. Chill. Float around and wait ‘till his body could respawn. No more yelling and no more attacking. Just… here.

Time doesn’t wait up for him, though. As he waits, it only feels like a few minutes to him, which is longer than normal actually. It’s usually just a few seconds and then ‘pop!’ He’s back. He waits a few minutes and drives him insane because he swears he can hear the ‘tick tock’ of a clock in his brain, driving him mad-

Cold cold cold- The ground is so cold against his skin because he’s burning, wearing so many layers and holy shit too much motion too suddenly. He hasn’t eaten anything in awhile, that’s what his body knows because it’s caught up with time unlike his mind, so he’s suddenly heaving out whatever his body had in it on the concrete below him, and after a few dry heaves, his stomach feels a little less unsettled.

Wiping at his mouth, Benrey looked around. He was on the side of some road in a sleepy suburban neighborhood. A light layer of snow covered mostly everything, and there were bright lights strung up everywhere, illuminating in the otherwise somewhat dark night. 

Sleep was licking at his bones, begging him to just  _ rest,  _ and God was Benrey tempted to right there on the sidewalk, but someone’s dog began barking really loudly. Yapping insistently and loudly, begging for whoever to pay attention to it. Benrey craned his neck to his right to see where the barking was coming from, the front door of the home opening before Benrey’s met with a face full of dog slobber. 

“Sunkist!” A familiar voice yelled and Benrey’s heart jumped into his throat and he tried to get a word out but the dog was just slathering kisses all over his face. “Sunkist stop- I’m so sorry s- sir, she…. Benrey? Benrey is that you?”

Tommy looked… different. Not by much, really, but his hair was longer, pulled into a small ponytail and he was no longer in uniform, instead in a very comfortable yellow pyjama set and bunny slippers. How much time did he miss? How long had it been? Where even where was he? He couldn’t tell, he had no idea where the fuck he was and-

A hand settled on his and he flinched before he realized it was just Tommy and there was no evil intent, no hurting just… Grounding. He wasn’t dead anymore, he was alive and Tommy was looking at him with a shit ton of concern. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” Benrey averted his eyes, looking down at the concrete before Sunkist shoved her snout underneath his hand, begging for pats, which Benrey gladly gave her. It was a good distraction.

Tommy shook his head, lifting Benrey up easily into his arms with little protest from Benrey. He started trying to squirm his way out of it, but he soon found that Tommy’s arms were very  _ very  _ comfortable, and he decided… yeah, nap time.

He woke up again to Tommy shaking him gently, tapping him awake and the aroma of soup was very, very appetizing. Stupid body needing food, he shouldn’t have modeled it after a human body. 

“Here, you need t-to eat, you kind of threw up everything on the sidewalk,” Tommy pressed the bowl into Benrey’s hands. Benrey saw the spoon but… eating properly be damned. He just grabbed the bowl from it’s sides and greedily gulped down the liquid. It wasn’t scorching hot luckily and felt the good kind of hot, refreshing but not burning. He lapped his tongue around the bowl to get every last drop out of it.

Tommy snickered and Benrey flushed from embarrassment, licking the leftover soup of his own face. “Sorry. Was good, though,” Benrey complimented and Tommy laughed again. “A-Are you still hungry?” Tommy asked and Benrey nodded, following Tommy down the stairs, skipping a step each time. 

Tommy’s house was pretty comfortable, it had the vibe of a grandma’s home, oddly enough. He had lavender candles lit up everywhere. It almost made Benrey fall right back asleep. Almost. But the promise of food was much more tempting.

He sat at the counter, legs swinging lazily off the barstool as Tommy brought out the milk, pouring it into a bowl first (what the fuck?), and then turning back to Benrey. “What - What type of cereal do you want?”

“Fruity Pebbles, also you’re supposed to put the milk after the cereal, Tommy. Now you’s gonna get milk splashed everywhere an’ it’s gonna suck, bro.”

Tommy shrugged, “If - If I pour the milk afterwards, I might’ve put too much cereal, and then I won’t be able to eat it all.”

“Just uhhh, upgrade your stomach, bro. Get a bigger tummy, enjoy Fruity Pebbles in bigger servings, profit,” Benrey responded easily.

Tommy laughed and just set the bowl in front of Benrey. Before he could even hand him the spoon, Benrey was chomping down the cereal and gulping down the milk. He settled the bowl back on the counter with a  _ ‘thump,’  _ smacking his lips loudly. 

Benrey ate the entire box of Fruity Pebbles that Tommy supplied, munching loudly and getting milk and Fruity Pebbles dust everywhere, but he was… Hungry. Very hungry, like, starving but he didn’t know it hungry. He doesn’t need food as much as humans do, but he still needs it sometimes in this from. 

He was really tempted to go back to sleep afterwards on a full belly, but Tommy spoke up right after he closed his eyes to doze off, making them snap open again, “So. U - Um, I… The others are coming over, I hope it doesn’t overwhelm you but - We haven’t seen you in months.”

“How, uhhh… How long was I just gone?” Benrey asks, snuggling in further to the borrowed hoodie from Tommy. It’s entirely too big for him because Tommy’s tall and skinny and Benrey is not nearly as tall as Tommy is, so he doesn’t fill out correctly, but it’s better than his uniform. He stuck out like a sore thumb, like someone who didn’t get the memo that Halloween had ended two months ago.

“Eight months.”

Benrey inhaled and nodded, his brain trying to hone in on the fact that they thought he was dead for months. Almost a year, just radio silence. No respawning, no funnies, just… No Benrey. 

“Didn’t feel that way for me,” Benrey mutters as he plants his head on the barstool, “Are they mad?”

“About what?” Tommy asks before he sees the way Benrey’s looking and quickly shakes his head, taking Benrey into his arms and hugging him, “They missed you. S - Sure, things are a little - umm… Complicated, but like… It’s also something we gotta talk about together and figure out.”

Tommy could always figure out how Benrey was feeling, some weird connection between them. He couldn’t really explain it, but Tommy just… knew. He could tell from the sweet voice and he could tell underneath the apathetic gazes and the weird, garbled sentences. No matter how high Benrey’s walls were, Tommy just ignored them and saw him for who he was.

Benrey settles on the couch, cocooned in a blanket and Tommy’s hoodie and he swears time’s going slow just to piss him off. There’s some weird Bachelor show playing on the T.V but Benrey can’t bring himself to really care, because the clock’s ticking loudly and yet too slow, everything made his chest light up in anxiety because dying sucked. When they all killed him it sucked really bad, so it’d suck even more to get tricked like some weird prank. Like when he glued Gordon to the seat but less funny and more mean-spirited. 

But that’s not what happens. They arrive and everyone’s ecstatic to see him, Coomer wrapping him in a crushing hug followed by Bubby, Tommy, and Darnold. But they’re missing Gordon who’s unsure of what to do and he’s not sure if he’s even welcomed in the hug, but Benrey’s selfish, always has been when it came to Gordon, so he extends his arm and pulls Gordon into the big hug and his chest feels fluttery and he feels overwhelmed and suffocated but it’s not bad, he’s just so… overwhelmingly loved.


	2. two

_ two _

Tommy couldn’t keep him in his home, and Benrey didn’t really wanna stay anyways. It’s not because of Tommy, it’s just absurd to see Gman (or  _ George _ , as Coomer corrected once) doing… daily activities, like feeding Sunkist and taking her on walks so he’s just, weirded out by that entirely.

He can’t go to the Boomers residence, Bubby and Coomer are too lovey dovey and they suck each other's faces off too often for Benrey to not feel weird about it. It’s great that they love each other, but it leaves him with a weird longing deep in his chest and he can’t quite place how it feels exactly, but he always ends up coughing up Sweet Voice at the sight and getting a perplexed look from Tommy.

So that ends up with Darnold or Gordon, and Darnold’s got eyes for Tommy he thinks so he doesn’t want a repeat of the Boomers so he ends up settling on Gordon. But he’s weird about Gordon and always says dumb shit so he tells Tommy he’ll just go fuck off and sleep under a bridge, but Tommy shakes his head, calls Gordon and asks him in his very polite ‘Hello Mr. Freeman!’ voice that usually works. 

It does, although he can hear Gordon’s yelling from the phone, making out  _ ‘Can’t anyone else take him?’  _ And it makes Benrey feel like a cat that was picked up from the street that nobody really wants because Gordon phrases it like he’s a stray cat. But Tommy’s always so calm so Benrey listens as he reiterates that ‘ _ no, Gordon, no one else can take the stray cat named Benrey and he can’t live on his own because he doesn’t fucking know human etiquette-’  _ That’s not what he says, he says it much more polite and kind and very Tommy-like but that’s basically what he says watered down.

So Gordon resigns after some bickering (only on his end) and says he’ll come by the end of the day to pick up Benrey. He’s gotta get Feetman Smalls before he can get Benrey. 

He spends his time packing up, but he… really doesn’t got much. Just some shitty clothes, a blanket Tommy gave him and a pair of slides, and that was it. He also hadn’t been here long to dig his roots in, but Tommy’s place wasn’t long term anyways. It was nice, though.

Tommy bought Benrey a phone and let him use his spotify, so he’s listening to  _ Like That _ by  _ Doja Cat _ when the doorbell rings. It’s blasting super loud when he takes out an earbud, so Gordon can hear it loud and clear when he swings the door open.

“Yo, what’s up Feetman,” Benrey says nonchalantly and he can see the tension in his shoulders leave when he laughs under his breath and says, “Doja Cat? Really?”

“Don’t judge me,” Benrey says, “‘s on Tommy playlist, and I kinda like it. I bet your music taste is kinda shit.”

Gordon has a retort already ready to fire back, but it dies when Feetman Smalls slaps his hands loudly against the car and yells loudly, “Daaaad!” 

“Right,” Gordon huffs and looks at Benrey, “You got everything?” 

Benrey nods and Gordon looks like he wants to say something because all Benrey’s got is a backpack full of stuff. Not much, but it’s all Benrey enough.

The two clamber into the car, Benrey shoving his backpack between his legs because it’s not big enough to even go in the trunk. Gordon’s obviously super tense, his knuckles gripping the steering wheel tightly.

“Calm down Feetman,” Benrey says as they pull out of Tommy’s driveway, earning a loud laugh from Joshua, “He called you Feetman! He’s right, you smell like  _ feet _ .” 

“Take a bath, smelly,” Benrey added on, yawning afterwards and stretching like a cat. Car rides make Benrey really tired and sluggish, so he immediately drowns out Gordon’s bickering and curls up in the seat, his head falling on Gordon’s shoulder.

He can hear Gordon but he doesn’t really care. Sleep now, worry later.

  
  



	3. three

_three_

You'd think that moving in with Gordon would be this big thing that'd be blown out of proportion, and Benrey would willingly make Gordon's life a living hell just like in Black Mesa. Except, that's not what happens at all because he's different, still grappling on the aftermath of it all. Sometimes he feels like he's in a daze of it all, like he's in a dream and not really in control of his actions. Like he's sitting _backseat_ of his own life, watching a shitty film about himself.

One day he overhears Gordon talking to his therapist, and then he thinks _maybe I should get one of those too._

It escapes his mind just as fast until he mentions it a week later offhandedly on the phone with Tommy, and then Tommy tells him so serious, "I-I think you really should, Benrey," he had said while Benrey was idly chomping on his own finger, "It'd be good for you. I can help give y-you some recommendations, too."

And then he got a therapist, and he... Thought it was mad fucking stupid at first, because this person doesn't care but his therapist actually cares and is a sweet, middle-aged woman named Claire. She doesn't mind if he talks, if he just listens while she rambles about her garden and then he's slowly opening up to her.

Things get easier. But it's not all fixed, because today Benrey feels like world's going to swallow him whole and he'll just disappear. Wiped off the earth without a trace. And then he realizes it's been a whole year, today's that anniversary of it all. It's been a year since well- He died? He just came back a few months ago but, still, it's an anniversary. It doesn't feel nice, like to celebrate. He just wants to hide. So he does.

He crawls down to their basement and hides in the dryer until Gordon comes home.

Faintly, he can hear the call of his name but he doesn't wanna be perceived right now. He just wants to be forgot for today and wake up anew tomorrow.

Gordon doesn't let it go like he expects him to. He calls his name one, twice, and then he hears frantic footsteps going around the house until he comes down to the basement and spots Benrey curled in the dryer with the door open and in a blanket. "You fucking scared me, dude," he says and pulls Benrey out of the dryer, "Don't sit in there, that's so fucking dangerous."

And. Benrey just kind of... cries? And it's the first time he's done it in front of Gordon. He's very emotionally constipated, thank you very much. Just, that simple 'don't do that, it's dangerous,' is enough for him to remind that Gordon on some level cares for him. Cares enough to warn him to not sit in a fucking dryer.

Gordon's obviously not sure what to do, but he can't really do anything because Benrey just curls around Gordon, arms wrapped around him and he just grossly sobs for a minute or two before calming down enough to actually talk, "That was- Sorry, dude, uncool of me to get snot all over your shirt," and he pulls away, "Sorry, I don't know why I- You hate me I-" And Gordon frowns, shaking his head.

"I hate the things you've done, but I don't- I don't hate _you._ I still care for you," Gordon says.

"Yeah but you didn't even want me here in the first place, dude, you don't gotta lie to me-"

"Benrey! I am allowed to be mad at you _and_ care about you, fuckface. Sue me for not wanting the dude who tried to murder me to live in my house," Gordon's blunt with what he says. But Benrey gets it, sort of. He fucked up bad. Real bad.

He goes silent before he finally speaks, "I'm sorry. Like- I'm not good at apologies, Feetman, I fucking- I just thought like- I fucked up. I did, and I should've apologized when I- I came back, but I just thought, 'it's been a long time, dude probably doesn't want to hear anything from me,' but that's not... That's not an excuse, I'm sorry for everything."

It's Gordon's turn to go silent, to gawk at Benrey and now Benrey wants to kind of curl away and- oh wow they're holding hands. He didn't realize he was kind of gripping on Gordon's hand like a lifeline here, so he squeezes it and then Gordon finally speaks up.

"I... I forgive you, I mean, I'm still. Working through it all, but an apology helps a whole fuck lot dude," he lets go of his hand and Benrey misses the warm, wants to grab his hand again and just hold it there forever in his. He shakes the thought away because he's not even fucking sure where these thoughts came from. "I was gonna make dinner, and I'm sure all the shit's thawed out by now, wanna help?"

Benrey nods so fast and follows Gordon like a lost puppy to help make dinner. He has to go right after they're done though, because he's got a therapy appointment (Gordon doesn't even know he goes to therapy because he's weirdly embarrassed about it, but that's another can of worms for another day).

"The others will be over by the time you get back, just so you know," Gordon tells him on his way out, and Benrey nods. He's got that weightless feeling again as he's on the bus and he's just. Floating, like he feels good but... Good weird? He doesn't realize he's in his therapist's office at this point now when she snaps her fingers, "Benrey?"  
  
"Huh?" He says, dumbly, and then shakes his head, "Uh, sorry," he sits down in the plush, comfortable chair in front of Claire. "I asked how you're doing," she gives him a neutral look, a smile on the edge of her lips, "You seem to be spacing out though."

"I- Yeah, I'm just..." He shrugs, "Me and- My- Me and Gordon," he says, because he's already spilled his name once on accident, "I said I was sorry. I didn't- I finally said it but I realized... I think I- Dude, I think I like him," Benrey admits and then he sinks in the chair.

Claire just looks amused, smiling, "How does this revelation make you feel?" She asks and Benrey's gotta think, before he settles on an answer, "Sad."

"Why?" Claire questions, carefully.

"Because- Because I like him, and I traumatized him. I held his hand and it felt nice and I feel sad that it felt nice because I traumatized him."

"You're conscious of your own actions though, Benrey," she comments, "You know you wronged him. You know you've hurt him severely, and you've started taking the steps to repair that bond. I won't lie to you, it won't be easy, but you have to be more open with him. Does he even know you're in therapy?" Benrey shakes his head. "You could start with that. It'd help knowing you're getting help. Just open up to him, alright? I want you to think about doing that."

Benrey nods, and they begin talking more, mostly on Claire's end more than his because he's still reeling from his emotions. It scares him, how emotionally vulnerable he's becoming but Claire has insisted that it's a good thing, not a bad thing.

He just... can't imagine opening up to Gordon, but- He's.

He's gonna try.


End file.
